Falling in love can be a thrilling experience. You can become a “lovesick puppy” that finds yourself thinking about your partner almost every moment.
While this feeling is fantastic, it’s not sustainable every day of your lives together. The initial feeling of falling in love can progress into a deep level of love for the person, which is even more satisfying.
When things happen over time that make us feel we are not as important to our partner or that they aren’t connected to us anymore, we can end up feeling no longer happy with our partner and unsure what to do. You may still love the person and want to continue being with them but are unsure how to revive your relationship. So, here is a guide on what to do when you don’t feel happy in your relationship anymore.
Are you looking for professional guidance and support? Become an Alli member and get your first week free.
How Does a Relationship Shift?
Loving someone can be one of the best feelings in the world. And when you’re first starting to see them, you may feel crazy happy.
Neuroscientists have studied people in love and found that the areas of their brain that light up when looking at their partner are the same regions activated by cocaine- the reward centers. This can take the saying “love is like a drug” to a new level.
When we’re in the early stages of love, we have a few key chemicals running through our brains, including:
- Testosterone – the hormone fueling the sex drive in men and women
- Dopamine – the chemical regulating our reward-driven behavior
- Oxytocin – the bonding hormone or neurotransmitter
Along with looking at which chemicals in the brain go off when someone falls in love, Alli also looks at attachment theory. Attachment theory studies the connection and relationship between people and how they develop relationships. The way that someone’s attachment style develops can affect their relationship with someone in the long run.
The four attachment styles include:
- Secure Attachment Style: ability to form loving, secure relationships with others, be trusting, loving, and not feel panicked or fearful in a relationship.
- Anxious Attachment Style: possesses a deep fear of abandonment that allows someone to worry that the person will leave, seek validation, or display clingy behavior.
- Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style: can feel drained, empty, uncomfortable, or have difficulty trusting if affection is authentic.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: desperately craving affection and trying to avoid it simultaneously, which shows reluctancy to develop close relationships but wanting to be loved by others.
These attachment styles can dictate how you connect with your partner. If you have a secure attachment style, you’ll likely have a stronger connection. People who are anxious, anxious-ambivalent, or fearful-avoidant may run into connection problems.
Since these attachment styles can affect the way that you and your partner interact and connect, it’s important to identify which one is affecting your relationship and how you can work towards deepening your connection. When you work towards a secure attachment style, your relationships will shift to allow a deeper bond.
How Do You Know When You’re Unhappy in Your Relationship?
If you’ve entered into the new stage of your relationship with your partner or have been there for a long time, it can be hard to identify if you’re unhappy in your relationship. Some people may mix contentedness with unhappiness.
Contentedness often can mix with the lazy in love scenario, which typically includes your relationship being a passive part of your life. An example of this can include you making coffee in the morning for your partner, but they’re no longer showing an appreciation for this as they once did. It doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate the action, but they may not be actively grateful.
The lazy in love scenario may not be a problem for some, but for others, the feeling of falling in love is necessary. You may not feel the initial butterflies of the relationship but may not be unhappy with your relationship, which could be contentedness. Identifying if you’re feeling content with your relationship versus unhappy can effectively change the dynamic of your relationship for the better.
So, how can you tell the difference? A few signs of being unhappy in your relationship may include:
- You’re depressed about your home life.
- You aren’t comfortable being yourself.
- You can’t stop snooping through their things.
- You’re afraid of committing to your partner.
- You imagine a happier life without your partner
- You resent your partner rather than love them.
- You chase past feelings of other relationships.
If you’re feeling any of these, it doesn’t mean it’s time to end the relationship. It could mean that it’s time to try new things to re-spark your relationship.
Are you interested in getting professional coaching on how to better your relationship through behavior changes? Sign up for your free coaching session!
How to Revitalize a Relationship
If you’re feeling unconnected with your partner and want to find a way to bring the bond back, then playing to your attachment style can be key. How you connect with other people can help affect your relationship in many ways.
This can often be tied to how you grew up. Children who grew up lacking attention or may be unsure how their parents would react to what they did, could lead to a fearful or anxious attachment style. The children who knew their parents would always be there and be supportive often have a secure attachment style. How children learn to connect with others at a young age affects them for the rest of their life and how they connect with others.
Attachment theory targets the idea of how you’re connected to someone based on your attachment style. Alli covers adult attachment styles that can affect your relationship, including:
- Preoccupied Adult Attachment: Having experienced inconsistent caregiving that stems from an anxious attachment style. This could be a result of a parent who was not around or from having parents that regularly left.
- Dismissive Adult Attachment: Having a relationship that wasn’t safe or was never responded to. This type of attachment is often aligned with people who had abusive upbringings and are scared and unsure how to make meaningful connections.
- Unresolved Adult Attachment: Having a disrupted ability to maintain emotional balance and connections to others through a chaotic upbringing. Someone with this attachment style most likely grew up in a chaotic or abusive household with little emotional support.
Learning which attachment style you identify with can help you understand how you connect with others and, most importantly, your partner. When you know how to connect with others, evaluate how to improve that attachment style to reach a secure relationship. Your attachment style is difficult to change, but there are some ways to achieve that through looking at role models and reminding yourself of times when you’ve had secure relationships.
One of the most important things to do with your partner is have clear communication about your needs and wants. It also calls for you to evaluate how you’re doing as a partner and what you’re bringing to the relationship. This requires vulnerable attachment communication with your partner so you can understand the other person’s needs.
Some key factors of effective attachment communication include:
- Wear your heart on your sleeve
- Focus on your needs
- Be specific
- Don’t blame
- Be assertive and non-apologetic
- Slice it thinner when needed
In Alli’s course “Transform Your Relationships,” you can learn how these factors will allow room for clear communication between you and your partner, so it deepens your connection. When you combine working towards a secure attachment style and clear communication, you can allow space to connect on a deeper level. If you’re interested in learning more about how to revitalize your relationship, you can work through Alli’s courses to get the tools you need for change.
How Can Alli Help You?
Alli is an online platform built to help you make measurable changes in your behavior. If you feel like you’ve lost a connection with your partner, behavior change can help you restart your relationship. You may experience the feeling of falling in love with your partner again when taking the actions to deepen your connection.
This platform allows you to utilize professional coaching, community support, and neuroscience-based courses. Alli is the middle ground for self-help solutions and professional therapy. We offer personalized solutions tailored to your goals, including courses and resources curated and facilitated by Alli’s expert team.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your relationship, changing your behavior is the way to go. Without measurable progress markers or professional guidance, it can be hard to do. Alli is here to help.
Want to learn more about how Alli can help you revitalize your relationship? Here’s how to get started:
1) Join the Alliance membership. Try it out with a one-week trial!
2) Talk with an expert coach. The first session is free.
3) Take the Relationship Reset Intensive Course.