Even if you have a well-behaved kid, chances are that you’ll run into your teenager lying to you. A study showed that 82% of high school and college students admitted to lying to their parents in the previous year. Lying is a common occurrence that parents may not be aware is happening.
You probably remember when you would lie to your parents about where you and your friends were going out or if you were secretly dating someone. And while the little white lies may seem fine as a teenager, you’ve probably noticed the detriment they can have on your relationship with your child.
So, why do teenagers lie? How can you build a trusting relationship with them? Here’s a guide on why teenagers lie to their parents and what you can do to respond in a way that builds more trust in the relationship.
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What Turns Teenagers Into Compulsive Liars?
Lying, in general, is an agreed-upon bad thing to do. Many people tell white lies to save the reputation of themselves or others they care for. If your teenager is telling white lies, there is a chance this could turn into compulsive lying.
Your teenager may lie for several reasons, but one contributing factor is their relationship with you. This is attributed to the attachment style that they learn during childhood. There are four attachment styles that your child may have learned while growing up that include:
- Secure Attachment Style: your child’s ability to form loving, secure relationships with others, be trusting, loving, and not feel panicked or fearful in a relationship.
- Anxious Attachment Style: when your child possesses a deep fear of abandonment that allows someone to worry that a person will leave, seek validation, or display clingy behavior.
- Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style: your child can feel drained, empty, uncomfortable, or have difficulty trusting someone.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: your child desperately craving affection and trying to avoid it simultaneously shows reluctance to develop close relationships but wants to be loved by others.
How your child learns to be attached to you can affect their relationship with you. With a secure attachment style, they’ll be more likely to open up to you and avoid lying as they’ll feel like they can come to you for anything.
If your child has an anxious, anxious-ambivalent, or fearful-avoidant attachment style, they’ll be less likely to come to you honestly and openly. They may feel as though they will be ignored or that you’ll react negatively. This pressure can sometimes push them to lie, and it could become a habit.
Although you need to set boundaries with your child, creating a safe space and relationship with them will help your connection grow. It will allow them to learn valuable lessons on connecting with others and communicating appropriately. Creating this environment will enable them to be open about their lives and avoid creating habits such as compulsive lying.
If you’re unsure how to implement this with your child, Alli has several coaching courses on parenting. It covers your child’s attachment style, how that can affect their lives, and how you can nurture them appropriately. The lessons provided through these courses will enable you to have effective communication with your child and create a safe space for development.
What Are The Repercussions of Lying?
Many consequences can occur from your teenager lying. Depending on the situation, this may lead to someone getting physically or emotionally hurt. The lies can also pile up over time, leading to a bigger disaster.
And while those consequences aren’t pleasant, one of the biggest repercussions is the negative impact on your parent-child relationship. It can be devastating to discover that your teen doesn’t feel they can be honest with you. It can harm your trust and drive a wedge in the relationship.
You may find it difficult to trust what they say and are unsure how to deal with the situation. Is it time to be stricter with them? It could lead to them lying more or feeling deeply hurt.
It can be emotionally difficult to deal with the repercussions of lying, so creating a safe space for your child is essential for them to deal with those emotions healthily. Some teens feel afraid to talk with their parents about troubling feelings they’re having, or they are hiding behaviors that could cause them harm. This is when building the relationship in a safe environment for you and your teenager is crucial.
Why do Teenagers Lie?
Teenagers may regularly lie even if they value honesty. At first, the lies seem circumstantial, meaning that they lied this one time because of this reason. However, they’ll probably run into similar scenarios that lead them to lie again.
They may also compulsively lie to control what you know about their lives. Typically, they lie to create a false image of who they are. Covering up potentially dangerous behavior such as substance abuse or self-harm becomes a habit.
So why do teenagers lie? A few reasons could include:
- Avoid punishment or perceived negative outcomes
- Feel in control
- Exaggerate and make themselves look good
- Cover troubling emotions or things they’re struggling with
- Keep someone they know out of trouble
- Avoid embarrassment
- Evade doing something
- Do something they’re not allowed to do
- Thinking that what they do is harmless
- Maintain privacy
- Believe that the parents’ rules are unfair
- Establish their independence and autonomy
If they believe that the consequences of their actions will create a negative response from you, they may opt to lie about the given situation. This can make them feel like they can’t converse with you and become compulsive liars.
Are you interested in how a behavior change platform can help stop your teen’s lying? Sign up for Alli to learn more!
What Do Teens Lie About?
There could be several reasons why your teen may be lying. A few topics they may lie about include:
- What they spend their money on
- Who their friends are
- Drinking or substance abuse
- Activities they participate in
- Whether a party is supervised or not
- Having romantic relationships
- If their homework is completed
How to Recognize When Your Teenager is Lying
There is no failsafe way to know when your teen is lying. There are some common signs of lying, but typically it changes from person to person. Identifying when they’re lying may hinder on knowing their body language and possibly finding the truth through a third party.
However, some usual signs that you can look for include:
- Asking nervously about something
- Skipping over details
- Being defensive
- Speaking in fragmented sentences
If you notice signs of lying, it’s a good idea to create a safe space for them to open up about what is happening so they don’t feel like they have to hide what they’re involved in. This creates a strong connection through attachment style, so they are secure in their relationships. The secure attachment style will allow them to feel as though they can come to you for anything and avoid instances of lying.
What To Do If You Discover Your Teen is Lying
Knowing how to react to your teen lying appropriately can be difficult. Depending on their personality, the consequences or punishments you use may not be effective. It also can hurt your relationship more than rebuild it.
Strengthening your relationship and trust with them will create a safe space to help develop their brain. Ensuring this can help them have valuable future resources for connecting with others in their life. Some ways to help maintain your relationship include:
- Avoid labels – don’t label your teen a “liar.”
- Take time to understand why your teen lied.
- Serve as a good role model – don’t tell small lies in front of your child (or big lies).
- Don’t go straight to yelling or harsh punishment – stay calm.
- Don’t ignore the behavior.
- Strive to foster healthy, open, safe communication with your child – so they feel they can come to you for things.
- Let your child know it’s okay to talk about their emotions and admit when they’re struggling. You can also lead by example in this.
- Explain the importance of honesty – beyond just the fact that they should do it. Explain the impact lying can have – both now and in the future.
- Have realistic expectations.
How Alli Will Help You Build a Safe And Honest Relationship
Creating a safe and honest relationship with your teen may take time. However, with both parties putting active effort into the relationship, it will begin to rebuild. The key is for both parties to communicate to create a safe place to talk that won’t hinder your building parent-child relationship.
You can sign up for Alli if you’d like help with this. It’s an online platform that works as the middle ground between self-help and professional therapy. You and your child will have access to a community of support that may be facing the same problems.
The expert team at Alli curates the available individualized courses to fit your specific needs. There are also ways to help you measure change to know the progress you’re making. If you’re looking for help with behavioral changes, Alli can make things easier.
Are you ready to start rebuilding your relationship with your child? Here’s how to get started:
- Join the Alliance membership. Try it out with a one-week trial!
- Talk with an expert coach. The first session is free.
- Take the Parenting Teens Reset Intensive Course